A birthday dance.

Happy Birthday to me

Happy Birthday to me.

I got time with various friends this October. Erin Visited.

Yes the same lady from the shoe tieing story.

Listen to her sing them blues.

It's been one week..

It's been a day...As my husband tries to make me laugh and he goes overboard. Between discussion of just bizarre jobs and man eating animals ;I realize that it's been a day. I came home today and cried. Not for a very long time but just needed to cry. I hate saying goodbye but I hate drawing out goodbyes as well.. So I'm making a difficult decision to try to use my current support group (which is large). To help me get over saying goodbye one more time. I know I have the coping skills to cope.
This week just seems heavy: A childhood friend's grandfather died. We finally talked. My clients were awake at work. I've learned how to make pyramid origami vase. Very pretty and almost easy. And I may be going to Florida soon. Then I decided hey why not do more? It was J's birthday yesterday. So I went downtown to a dance studio and watched them dance. I wish that I had brought my sketch book. It was great seeing people move. I was particularly mesmerized with how a couple holding hands communicated so much in only a few moments. at first the one of the hands stroked the palm of the other's and then they moved each others hands up and down to the elbow . And then... they twirled and danced around. Then my focus returns to Eris playing with Joe's bookbag. A few flips later I return to the story.. We left there and visited a cd opening. Let me see what else happened? Well As my friends and I weaved through downtown I saw him E and then her M. I'm pretty sure M knew that I was pregnant. She was a friend from a long time ago who obviously lives in the pittsburgh area still. I wave but do not talk to her. She is one of those friends where there is just a lot of pass history involved. It was strange weaving between my current group of friends and what would have been an old group of friends. Not sure where I should end up, I kept walking. E and M waved. I returned to my group of friends we saw a strange umbrella from an anime. Then snuck into the bar. I loved watching the shiny musical intstruments of the jazz band. I just wanted to tuck away each image to be drawn later. No camera tonight. breathe..I've got the perfect image of a woman with 3 fingers on her forehead relaxing. to understand the irony all of the crazy stress that she was experiencing had to do with entirely her own actions that night. It made me and my coworkers smile. Well several hair play with later. And finding aout about the Great Sea band.. and welll a few more art galleries.. I was ready to go back home. I'm pretty sure J could tell that I wasn't up to my normal crazyness. It's been a serious day. I came back home drew a picture of a belly rub. I got a belly rub today as well. As J explained to the rest of the group about Penelope. I had to avert my eyes at so many children to keep the misery hitting so strongly. I liked a art gallery we visited because one entire wall dealt with paintings of signs. There was also a door that opened to a non crowded street.. silence is golden some days. It turns out J has been going to this gallery for years and never knew about the dooor. I tortored some paper acording to J made it into a fortune teller. Signs are safe. And a replica of Pittsburgh. I hope J posts a picture of it with an X to denote her house. I heart her home.
Anyhooo work tomorrow starts at 6 am so I need to go to bed. Sweet dreams..

Save something for yourself...

For heavens sake.. if you were watching a movie you'd be yelling "Secure your face mask first before helping with another."
Take care of yourself. So many things in this world are difficult. If you are a mother than the child needs you until they don't. (In most cases) If they need you for forever then that is an entire other situation.
Give yourself a only you day a week. It's your day. If you have dream go research it more. If you need a day off sleep in. Just take that day and create something Vonderful...Make living into a powerful biography.

Don't smile..

I don't know if any of your friends practice 'not smiling'. Serious staring while telling a completely fabricated story. Follow the ultra serious time with the words "Don't smile". It's just a random practice that can be completely silly. Much like the story of the greenhouse that Joe told me when I was in a bad mood smiling is great.

When I was busy online looking at tickles. Yes I went over to youtube and saw parents tickling their babies. Their babies tickling parents. Friends siblings and other engaging in tickling battles. Hands carressing sides, feets, underarms and ending with spastic laughter. I know when it is my time to be a mom, I want to engage in wonderful tickle wars. Until then watch out!

My kitty..

Here is the missing Eris. My fluff ball..

:) I hope you enjoy the introductory photos

Count my blessings right?

So it turns out a friend of mine shared a special skill of hers with me at her party.

I was thoroughly entertained. I hope you are too.

Imaginary Happy job..

So I'm looking for a job to make me smile. There was an add for flower delivery. I think I could do that for a while. I'll see.
I also want to do balloons.
My goal is to make atleast 60 dollars extra a week if not more.
Well that is my money goal and smile goal.

Balance?

I'm getting all my toys out.. all my phrases out... to deal with this grief.
phrase one: Disease is no one's fault.
phrase two: Love until it hurts.
phrase three: Try to balance again.
Each time I fall off the band wagon of feeling okay...I just try to step up one more time but it hurts not having her here. That pain will be here for a while. I can't get everything I ever wanted. Nope.. not happening although it would be a little more delightful if this pain could go away..

gotta go..

Take time to realize

There are some wonderful photos out there to be had. I think I'm heading to the park and cleaning my car out.

The passion of the daily grind

I went through my books this morning as I tried to remember what it is that I want to do. I'm a woman who has found the joy of reading the exotic travel logues of Mary Kinglsey, enjoys art, and basically enjoys laying about some days.
Unfortunately when I am working on a good bye ( this week was the 3 month anniversary.), I tend to forget the the joys and focus on the mellow sadness. So what do I do? How do I keep my personal life from turning to pooh?
I guess the answer is in the same practice keeping the door open even when I don't know why. Allowing humour in when possible. Allowing the world to speak into my soul. And sleeping when it is needed.

Mumu

...So I was focusing on being quiet ...

when my husband started to tell a story about our imaginary house.

In our imaginary house there would be my very own green house. My green house would have mango trees, orange trees, avocado trees, all species of ferns, roses, carnation, tamotoes...

Hidden amongst the plants would be monkeys, butterflies, frogs, and what other imaginary creatures I could find in it.. ( Oops my husband reminded me about the hermit crabs)

And then I would have a mumu... :) Why a mumu they are bright and colorful and fun to say the word mumu.. Infact that would be all that I would do saying mumumumumumumumum0000 all the way through the imaginary house into the imaginary green house...

And in fact I will "MU MU" a little here "MUMU" There

here a "MMUUU" ..

MUUUUUUUU

By the end of it... I fell for it. I was laughing my ass off.

It's absence..

A place to dream that she would be...



Toys that she could be hugging..



A candle to bring back her light.


And the labrynth to remember everything that I've forgotten..
I can't take a photograph of what isn't right in my world. It's the absence that defines it. It's a she that should be here but isn't. I can fill up this blog's with things...but what actually shows a loss... a missing piece?
I miss you...

Got hope?

That's my question? Hope in a world where gas prices increase, violence abounds, and it becomes clearer that planet earth is not disney world with earthquakes and hurricanes. But then there is laughter, there are hugs, there are dreams.

I'm not too into this election but I love this bumper sticker.

I have dreams but I'm not sure that I have hope.

I woke up early... So off to the park I go..




It's cold outside and I'm lonely. My dreams have taken a back burner. I would wake up early for school for a 1.25 years. Now I have the time to try but sometimes I don't feel up to it. Go outside in the dead of the morning to get cold and wet? To change nothing of the past few months. But I'm going to try. Because although I can't feel or watch her kick.. I can look at what is happening is outside. Spring is nice.










Even after all the dark and cocern there is beauty. And when beauty doesn't calm me done? There is an orange bug with spikes on its tush to give me the creepy crawlies. The creepy crawlies do a wonderful job of taking the spotlight in my focus.

In the begining when earth was just a hunk of rock and the sun was burning bright; there were no paths; no trees; no monkeys.. And now billions of years later I am sitting here typing. In just the blink of time that I've existed I've hiked and crawled through many difficult situations. I've seen many faces of wonder and divine... And right now I'm coming to terms with life again...
Here is my morning hike....